Shadows

When I was young, I fantasized about being

an eccentric old lady with long gray hair,

who wore evening gowns at noon

and played her accordion at bus stops

Six rounds of chemo

eyes closed imagining success

"This is what we call a Pathological Complete Response"

they would say...

"the chemo has worked wonders.  The cancer is gone"

A complete response is the holy grail

you will be one of the lucky ones.

your chances are excellent

smiling through tears I would call my family

and we would breathe  

but today didn't look like I had imagined

I watched on the monitor as she measured the 

dark shadow that sits in my chest

it is still there

much smaller than it was in August

but it is still there

and I am heartbroken

I try hard not to cry... but

I can't control that either.

As I get off the table

the technician hugs me and tells me 

not to worry.  

The radiologist confirms what I already know.

that the chemo worked extremely well, 

but it looks like there is 

still some cancer left.

Will know for certain after

they cut it out

Surgery will take care of it.

She tells me I am so strong

and amazing.

But I just feel tired and broken.

and I cry some more

and try to catch my breath

Everyone says don't look at statistics...

but it is hard not to.

My chances are still good.

I know that I will have surgery

they will take out the fragments

and then radiate anything that remains.

I will take a year of herceptin

and possibly ten years of tamoxifen.

and pray that one day

I can be that old lady

annoying people

at bus stops.