Zoladex blues

I have been annoyed lately.  I think it is the zoladex.  My first injection was over a week ago, but I am just now noticing how it is impacting my body.  This is not just any ordinary injection - they place a pellet under the skin in your belly which slowly releases medication that overstimulates the body's own production of certain hormones, which causes that production to shut down temporarily.  The side effects?  They began with the hot flashes.  I dealt with the hot flashes that came with chemotherapy.  They were difficult, but manageable.  These new hot flashes feel all together different.  I feel as if I am melting from the inside.  And they hit me with extreme frequency- especially when I am trying to fall asleep.  It is challenging enough to find a comfortable position in my recliner so that I might fall asleep - and to be awoken every hour unable to regulate my body temperature is disheartening to say the least. 

A secondary side effect is the body and muscle aches.  I awake every morning with my fingers in an almost claw like position.  It takes several moments to release the joints so that I can find a way to get myself out of the recliner.  And then I wobble my way across the room.  My partner knows how difficult it has become for me to walk when I first stand up and will quickly walk close by to catch me in case I fall.  I feel like I am a hundred years old.  

But it is the last side effect that has been the most worrisome.  The hormonal roller coaster has felt emotionally debilitating.  The sadness has been slowly building and hit an all time high last week on Friday.  I felt paralyzed.  I lacked the motivation to eat, move, or even make eye contact with those I love.  My head felt heavy and cloudy.  I tried to watch television- but even that felt as if it would take too much effort.  I tried to rally but couldn't.  My toolbox of coping strategies felt empty and I felt desperate.  Luckily, I recognized that this had to be a medicinal side effect- I made it through chemotherapy with my sense of humor intact for the most part... This was outside of my control.  I immediately wrote to my doctor and someone from the office called me this weekend to make an appointment to see me on Monday.   By Saturday morning, I also realized that I was probably suffering from some anemia and made some quick dietary changes.  Luckily, today I felt a great deal better.

As a therapist, I often work with people who have intense depressive episodes.  If I asked them to describe what it felt like, they would give me a very similar description to what I have described above - and although I tried hard to empathize, in reality I couldn't.  Sadness has always been something that I have understood how to shake.  I make art, I read, I joke, call a friend, I make music, I find ways to distract myself from whatever emotional pain I am experiencing and then I feel better. Cognitive Behavioral Therapists talk a lot about changing your behaviors to change your emotions- but what if you just can't.  What if you don't have the energy to take off your pajamas and leave the safety of your recliner.  What if you can't shake it.  What if you feel a prisoner in that dark space in your mind- not able to leave of your own free will?  I felt that for the first time last week.  It was frightening.  And my heart is heavy for all of those who can't simply wait for a strange pellet to work its way out of their system so that they can rejoin the living.  

I remember people telling me how they refused important life saving drugs because of how it made them feel.  It was "a quality of life" issue.  I couldn't fathom saying no to anything that might extend the time that I have with my family.  On Friday, for the first time I understood.  

So, although this last week has been beyond difficult.  I am thankful for the opportunity to have my assumptions and beliefs challenged so that I might be more empathic to those around me.  I am growing and it is uncomfortable.  I think growing always is.   

Oh... I promise I will try very hard to be a bit more upbeat for my next post.  I really am not always so dour.  I just want to be real about what I am experiencing.  Thanks for bearing witness to these more difficult emotions.  Writing and sharing helps a ton.  I can put words to my experience as well as find a community to share this burden with.  So for that, I thank you.   And who knows, maybe someone will do a google search for depression and zoladex and realize they aren't alone.