Friday, January 18, 2013

climbing out - PFC club

Yesterday was difficult emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I curled my body up under the covers and tried to feel better.  My stomach in knots, cramping, fingers hurting, and everything is spinning.  Agitated, isolated, and feeling desperate for all of this to be done.

I keep trying to remind myself that on Tuesday, January 15th, I received my last full chemotherapy infusion.  I will continue to receive my Herceptin until mid September,but it doesn't come with all of the horrible side effects.  Each day I will feel better- and I don't have to worry about another round to knock me down again.  Of course, in the next couple of weeks I will need to begin worrying about surgery- but not now.  So now I have joined the PFC club... Past Final Chemo.  I am currently 4 days PFC.

We celebrated the end of chemotherapy with a lovely cake and a visit from my sister.  She took some amazing photographs of me that I am excited to play with.  (like the one above).  Breast cancer takes so much from your physical appearance - I find it to be empowering to take those images of who I am back in some way.  To manipulate them and claim them as beautiful.

Caya got in bed with me this morning and we went over her spelling words for her first ever spelling quiz.  She then looked at me and said she was scared.  She said she was scared that I was going to die.  I reminded her that I am just sick from the chemotherapy and that all of my doctors are pretty confident that I will be okay.  I also told her that if anything changes, I would let her know.  I think it is important not to make promises I can't keep.  I also think she needs to know that I am not going to hide things from her- which will only create more anxiety.  It was a hard conversation.  She said she wants me to live to be infinity.  I said I do to- but only if she lives to be infinity with me.

I wrote this poem a few months ago after being diagnosed - thought I would share it.  I dedicated it to my children.

Bleeding stars and tears

And fearing all the years

That I might be without you

Fill me to the brim

The poison rushing in

aching to be near you

cutting out the rot

this battle I have fought

with eyes that only see you

Skin tattooed and burned

Lessons I have learned

When happiness surrounds you

So mine isn't a haiku, but if you are interested in reading some beautiful haikus-
check out Recuerda mi corazon here.


  1. Beautiful poem and photo. Your are beautiful from within. Following your journey faithfully, thoughts are with you.

  2. Beautiful.
    Everything here.
    And your strength.
    That WAY beautiful ♥

  3. first time here. the photo is lovely with the "butterfly mask." such a touching poem, showing, I'm sure, your strength and love!

  4. Your children will always treasure that poem, no matter the outcome of your battle with cancer. Thank you so much for sharing it with all of us!

    Love Story

  5. lovely poetry and writing will help you to heal ~ sending lots of distant healing reiki energy to help you heal quickly.

    (A Creative Harbor) ^_^

  6. So touching... No words to share...just positive thoughts for healing...

  7. my darling,
    i love knowing that the difficult saga of chemo is behind you. so many of us must live one day at a time just to endure, i am so sorry that you too have joined this camp. you bring so much courage, beauty and compassion with you and in doing so lift so many up. i think of you so often and with deep compassion.
    so lovely to watch you emerge. you are so gorgeous.

  8. The conversations with our children about death, dying, cancer -- those are the hardest to have. From what you said, you answered brilliantly...and honestly.

    Herceptin will be so much easier on you. I did my one year of that and had no issues at was hardly like a treatment at all.

    And those days when exhaustion claims you? Just be in them and allow the energy to replenish. It takes a long while for the body to be restored so it's always just one day at a time. You sound like you've got that covered. xo