November - Giving Thanks

The energy of the steroids are gone, and I am left with a feeling of complete exhaustion.  I am brimming with aggravation and nausea.  My muscles ache and I feel like crying.  I can feel my body bracing for the side effects that will follow.  I am struck by how much the exhaustion builds from cycle to cycle.  It makes me wonder what it will be like when I am completing cycle six.  But none of this thought process is helpful.  I know it.  Someone in my community reminded me to find ways to smile- and I think she is right.  I wouldn't be able to hear it from anyone other than another survivor.   It is hard, but I have so much to smile about.

So, I have decided that I am going to try to fill this blog in November with those things I am thankful for.  I may have a day or two where I sit with sadness, fear, or anger - but I won't let it overtake me.

I started this post yesterday, but then became too ill and had to go to bed. So- I am focusing on both of my children for days one and two.

 Caya Papaya & Leo the Lion

I had my children late in life.  I was thirty eight when I was blessed with Caya and 41 when I had Leo.  I sometimes wish I had the energy of a young mother, but know that being an older mom has its perks.  Someone wrote that having children is like having your heart walk outside your body.  I completely agree.  They fill me with wonder, love, worry, and at times complete frustration!  But I wouldn't change a single thing about them.  I am so blessed that these two little people belong to me- and that I belong to them. 

This picture was taken at the hospital, just four days before I received my diagnosis of breast cancer.  My son was getting his tonsils removed.  My daughter was so worried about him- as we all were.  But he was brave and amazing, as usual.  It seems like ages ago now.  I am thankful that my little ones are healthy, smart, creative, and that they love each other.  And I am thankful that I get to find out more about who they are as people each day.  These two little beings are what will keep me fighting and smiling- no matter what.