The Big Girl Chair

Tomorrow is my third round in the big girl chair.  It could be the steroids I have to take prior to my infusion or it could be anxiety- but I am wide awake and it is 2:30am.  What better time to ramble here on my blog!  Hopefully this will be coherent, but if not- I will delete it tomorrow.

I am having the most bizarre emotional experience around chemotherapy.  If I was my own art therapist, I would take out some wax paper and have myself draw each different emotional experience -and then overlay them to create one cohesive picture.  I don't have the emotional energy to cut pieces of wax paper- and I don't think it would translate very well in my scanner, so instead I made this piece of art on photoshop and did transparent layers. I tried to limit the amount of time I gave myself- just because I didn't want to think too much about it and become weirdly perfectionist.  This isn't about the final product.  It is about me sorting out what I am feeling.

Layer One - Date Night

 

Okay- so the thing I love most about chemotherapy is the five hours of uninterrupted time that I get to spend with my husband.  We talk, laugh, have lunch.  He takes care of me in a way that I feel supported and loved.  It is wonderful.  With two little ones at home, it is difficult to get time together to even have a conversation.  So, I put this image on top.

Layer Two - 1/2 way there

 

 

So with this chemotherapy infusion, I will have completed three of the six I am scheduled for.  I visited my doctor today and he was incredibly happy about my amazing disappearing tumor.  I am cautiously optimistic.   He is too.  So this layer is all about the positive emotions I have around this diagnosis.  I love my doctors and spending time with Leo (who I call sunshine).  This is definitely the next image in my layers.

Layer Three - The Uncomfortable, Painful, Yuck

 

 

This one is not for the faint of heart.  Chemo sucks.  My body aches, my stomach is a disaster area, discomfort everywhere, my head throbs, swollen, and tired through my bones.  The intense portion only lasts a week- but I still loathe it.  My hair is continuing to fall out, and my nails feel fragile.  I added a new symptom this last cycle - Neuropathy.  For sixty seconds, it felt like all of my fingers were on fire.  Extreme pain and then it disappeared.  I experienced it in my toes the next day.  My oncologist said that unfortunately, this side effect is also cumulative- so he anticipates it might be worse this cycle.  I am trying to arm myself with extra supplements and a positive attitude- but it isn't always easy.  When I look at this piece, it also represents fear.  I buried this layer under all of my happy feelings.

Layer Four - Loneliness 

 

 

This layer is about isolation.  Because of my blood counts - and the added risks due to lung complications, I am forced to stay home for nearly two weeks.  I will try to allow myself to go to my support group, but other than that I become a recluse. In the beginning, I am even too sick to spend much time with my family.  I stay in bed and feel miserable.   I sometimes feel like I could disappear.  I hate this one the most.  

The emotional journey to chemoland

 

 

I played with the transparency until I felt that the picture was what I wanted it to be.  It feels odd- chaotic- and uncomfortable, so I guess I did it right.  As for a directive, I really enjoyed it.  And now maybe I can get some sleep.  

Good night.  Wish me luck- and as we say in chemoland - No SE!!!!

(SE means side effects)