Monday, October 22, 2012

Monday Calaca

     It was a hard weekend.  Physically, I am feeling fine.  Just a few fleeting side effects, but on the whole, so much better than I was a week ago.  Emotionally, it was challenging.  I am generally a positive person.   I work with youth who are often hopeless- and it is up to me to hold hope where sometimes it may feel like there is none.   I am well versed in understanding how to be grateful- and to know that things can always be worse.  This weekend, I lost myself to fear.  I could blame it on late night internet searches, where I read the angry responses to the "pink campaigns" that often focus on awareness and don't give nearly enough resources to research.  I read about women who are stage four and are labeled terminal and how these women were often first diagnosed with stage 0-3 cancer.  I read about how 20% of breast cancer patients will go on to become stage four.   And then I stopped reading and cried.  I am convinced that I will survive and move through this.  I know in my heart that I will be one of the 80% - and that I will be stronger as a result of this.  But for a moment this weekend, I let death take residence in my psyche.

   So last night, I turned to art.  I visualized death as a clown- colorful and silly.  And then  I imagined death riding something equally non-frightening- like a bunny.  Lastly, I visualized the bunny hopping away.  After I finished drawing, I went to sleep.  Aside from a strange dream about accidentally going out of the house without any head covering and being mortified,  I slept peacefully.  I have only one week of feeling normal before I have another chemotherapy infusion and begin the cycle of nausea, pain, and exhaustion.  I am not going to waste it being afraid.

   For more calaca love, check out Rebecca's blog here:)


  1. I love this calaca and her bunny!

    The fear is natural - even years afterwards, it shows up unannounced. I had melanoma 21 years ago and, I'll tell you, if there's a twinge, an ache or a bug bite, I'm already thinking that the cancer has returned. The feeling only lasts a few moments now, but years ago, it invaded my psyche for a lot longer than that. Sometimes you give in to it and other times, you tell it to go file something in your psyche and stop bothering you.

    Continue feeling well...

  2. Very cute artistic calaca on her bunny.
    Stay positive and don't get hung up on negative thoughts and views.
    Our God is an awesome God. Ask for Jesus to come into your life and fear will disappear.

  3. Oh so dear!!!!!
    I will keep you in my prayers.
    Wish I could do more.......

  4. dear one,

    thank you for your beautiful self. for thinking deeply about how we move through life. the ways we hold up the hope of others and the moments when it slips through our fingers. some days we are cupped hands in the morning hoping to catch the light. other days we are the ones who deliver it, lavish it over the hearts of others in need. your courage is filling me now, and in return my compassion is washing over you. i love you and your white bunny heart.

  5. Delphyne's comment is accurate for me too. Let it wash over you it is only a thought a passing cloud, then rise again. you can do nothing better than know with 100% certainty that you are a survivor, visualize and you will, your heart knows. Peace. Prayers.