Monday Calaca

   
     It was a hard weekend.  Physically, I am feeling fine.  Just a few fleeting side effects, but on the whole, so much better than I was a week ago.  Emotionally, it was challenging.  I am generally a positive person.   I work with youth who are often hopeless- and it is up to me to hold hope where sometimes it may feel like there is none.   I am well versed in understanding how to be grateful- and to know that things can always be worse.  This weekend, I lost myself to fear.  I could blame it on late night internet searches, where I read the angry responses to the "pink campaigns" that often focus on awareness and don't give nearly enough resources to research.  I read about women who are stage four and are labeled terminal and how these women were often first diagnosed with stage 0-3 cancer.  I read about how 20% of breast cancer patients will go on to become stage four.   And then I stopped reading and cried.  I am convinced that I will survive and move through this.  I know in my heart that I will be one of the 80% - and that I will be stronger as a result of this.  But for a moment this weekend, I let death take residence in my psyche.

   So last night, I turned to art.  I visualized death as a clown- colorful and silly.  And then  I imagined death riding something equally non-frightening- like a bunny.  Lastly, I visualized the bunny hopping away.  After I finished drawing, I went to sleep.  Aside from a strange dream about accidentally going out of the house without any head covering and being mortified,  I slept peacefully.  I have only one week of feeling normal before I have another chemotherapy infusion and begin the cycle of nausea, pain, and exhaustion.  I am not going to waste it being afraid.

   For more calaca love, check out Rebecca's blog here:)